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In a second-child family, children are prone to have more jealousy in their hearts who their parents pamper, after all, every child hopes to be the most loved one

Author: Qin Yiyi (Parents Intensive Reading Columnist)

A friend complained to me:

The two children fight at home every day. The chickens and dogs jumped all day long, and the old man couldn’t stand it and asked for leave to go back to his hometown. I have to work again, I have to bring up the baby, I have to pacify the old man … It’s really hard!

As a mother of two children aged 6 and 4, I can understand the feelings of my friends very well, and the serial drama of “Two Treasures Fighting” is also staged every day in my family:

Playing with toys together, because the storyline made up by my brother is more exciting, compared my sister, my sister slapped, slapped the small plane in my brother’s hand, and pushed him fiercely, pushing him to the ground.

Listening to his mother’s story, the two rushed to ask questions, and the younger brother raised his voice to “cover” his sister to no avail, raised his hand and cried his sister.

This does not,

When the summer vacation comes, the “sacred beasts” circle together, quarrel and fight, and you cry and howl are lessons that must be practiced every day.

This is a great test for parents’ emotions, really tired, really tired.

In fact, in the face of children’s disputes, you may wish to try this “three-step”, maybe it will feel better.

Face it sensibly: fighting is not so scary

Teammates brought home a delicious cream cake from work, and the kids were excited.

But how to divide this delicate little cake – especially the only strawberry on top of the cake – became the focus of children’s disputes.

The teammates carefully cut the cake into two pieces of the same size. However, the strawberry was unevenly divided.

Seeing this, the younger brother, who loves strawberries, almost “rolled” the strawberries into his mouth with his tongue.

“Snap!” The sister slapped her younger brother hard on the head and roared: “Brother! You don’t talk about the rules! ”

His brother was hit hard by this, grinning, and the half strawberry he didn’t have time to swallow trembled on his tongue.

The teammate is a kind old father, and he is the most unwilling to see the children fighting.

While reassuring my brother, he instructed me downstairs to go to the fruit store to buy strawberries for my sister. Don’t forget to blame yourself: good manners, how did you buy a piece of cake back.

The teammates racked their brains, but the emotions of the two children became more and more excited.

In fact, in the second-child family, the scene of siblings quarreling is very common, but there are not many parents who can be indifferent.

Some parents always pay attention to the “flame” of contradictions between children, as long as there is a snatch, quarrel, crying between children, parents are like dedicated firefighters, sound the siren, and quickly set out to extinguish the “fire”.

Because we often have misunderstandings about the matter of “children fighting”: one is to represent the disharmony of the family atmosphere, and the other is to affect the relationship between children.

Therefore, it is the responsibility of parents to appear at the scene of the “fire” at the first time.

And the truth is: sibling competition is natural. In a second-child family, siblings are the closest relatives and at the same time, the most powerful competitors.

Some parenting experts have suggested:

After the child is 3 years old, as cognition develops, they begin to compare. Children use comparison to find a frame of reference, clarify their positioning, and find their own position.

Where there is comparison, there will be competition.

Sibling competition, in which the word “competition”, good guidance is the driving force for progress; The poor guidance is too much to gain and lose, and envy and jealousy finally become “hate”.

Parents need to face up to the fact that children quarrel and fight, which is unavoidable; It is not a factor of family disharmony, nor does it have to be treated as a flood beast.

The dispute under the premise of ensuring safety is a kind of fierce “communication”, drawing a clear bottom line, so that the other party can understand what things cannot be touched in the future relationship, but it is conducive to getting along in the future.

Just like couples can also quarrel with each other. It does not mean that quarrels mean that children have a bad relationship with each other.

Wise parents can “see” their children fighting, can realize the “constructiveness” in them, and let the emotions flow between children.

Take a step back: internal contradictions are resolved internally

I turned out to be a competent “firefighter” as well, and the method was simpler and rougher than that of my teammates – yelling + punishing.

For a while, I was alone with my two children, and an incident happened during that time changed me.

During that time, I worked from home with two children, cooks, cleaners, babysitters, teachers, staff… Wearing many hats, every morning when you wake up, there is a bunch of things waiting in line.


What consumes my energy and time the most is the emotional problems of my two children.

I’m replying to emails.

My sister complained to me: “Mom, my brother has soiled my beloved chipmunk!” I’m very angry! ”

When I looked, no, the chipmunk’s fur was stained with black and yellow watercolor dots, and I soothed: “Mother will let you wash it later, let’s not be angry with our brother, okay?” ”

Who knows, my sister does not follow: “No, I can’t bear it anymore, this is not the first time!” ”

Before the words fell, she walked towards her brother with great momentum: “Pippi! You have to apologize to the chipmunks now! He also pushed his younger brother.

The younger brother grinned and cried, but did not apologize. For a while, the sounds of crying converged, making my eardrums buzz.

I really couldn’t persuade, looked up at my watch, it was almost 12 noon.

In order to avoid emotional outbursts and join the family mixed war, I simply hid in the kitchen to calm my ears.

As a result, I didn’t expect that after cooking a meal, when I came out of the kitchen, the siblings were harmoniously sticking their heads to heads and reading picture books.

The two children who were still fighting just now miraculously reconciled. It’s like nothing happened.

Watching them reconcile, I was a little confused.

Many times, we adults dare not argue, for fear of hurting each other and damaging the relationship; We see children arguing and just want to help them solve their problems.

Children tell us with their own actions that disputes are not so terrible, endure it, and their hearts will only be turbulent and quarrelsome, in order to calm the waves.

The quarrels and fights between the children are nothing more than the flow of their true emotions; All disputes are internal contradictions that can be resolved or even healed by themselves.

I believe that in every family with many children, most of the parents’ energy and time are spent on reconciling the contradictions between children.

As a matter of fact

The child’s dispute has nothing to do with the parents. Parents take responsibility that is not their responsibility, this is not responsibility, but “crossing the line”.

To make room for children, we need to realize that when children resolve disputes with each other, they are also practicing how to get along better with people outside the family in the future, so as to better face social relationships.

Parents take a step back so that children can grow better.

See the real need behind a child’s fight: to be favored

A father of a second child once confided to me:

Parents are actually very difficult, and we want to be as fair as possible. If you buy something for the second eldest child, you must also give the eldest a copy; If you criticize the eldest, you will also educate the second eldest a few words, for fear that the child will feel that his parents are biased.

In a two-child family, fairness is an eternal problem. As parents, we have always pursued “fairness”, but we do not know that “justice” is what children really need.

Fairness is given to two children exactly the same, justice is to give children their own needs, provided according to needs.

In fact, children’s competition and disputes are not the pursuit of “fairness”, but to verify that he is unique and irreplaceable in the hearts of parents.

One day, my sister went to my uncle’s house as a guest. The younger brother sighed: My sister is not here today, I have the final say! Mom and Dad are with me.

As a little “fan” brother who follows his sister’s butt every day, he would also look forward to “exclusive time”. Mom and Dad played with him, and “Tmall Genie” played his favorite children’s songs.

Psychologist Wu Zhihong said: “

A person’s sense of existence comes from his feeling of being seen by another person.

In the child’s view, the attention of the parents represents love, and this concentration of love is the source of all his security.

Many times, behind the chicken flying dog jumping and fighting, what children compete for is only “being favored”.

Montessori, an educator, said: “Everything we do to our child will blossom and affect not only his life, but also his life.”

We might as well set up an exclusive “mother-daughter time” with our daughter, take her to visit bookstores, shopping malls, buy favorite books and shiny accessories;

You might as well set up an exclusive “picture book time” with your son, read him a picture book of the origin of “dinosaurs”, and eat a small box of cool ice cream by the way.

Parents will find that when they give their children enough love, their competition and contention will decrease; When children are given “exclusive” “favorites”, their relationship will be harmonious and beautiful.

We must believe that the ease and happiness of parents of the second child is definitely not obtained out of thin air, but must be “won” by themselves.

Like it, may you and I work together to sum up and grow from past experiences in daily training.

About the author: Qin Yiyi

, parents intensive reading columnist, rich book material camp students

, a working mother of the second child, aged to middle-aged, with a warm heart, willing to sort out ideas with words, soft reality, cure you and me policy, and provide parents with content with guiding value and meaning

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In a second-child family, children are prone to have more jealousy in their hearts who their parents pamper, after all, every child hopes to be the most loved one